


Bilbo's Dilemma.

by DwarvishWarriors



Series: The Virgins. [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Awkward Thorin, Bilbo is a Virgin, Drunkenness, Dwarf Courting, Fluff, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mentions of Sex, One Shot, Thorin is a fool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-09 23:55:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DwarvishWarriors/pseuds/DwarvishWarriors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo is a virgin....</p><p>That is until a certain dwarf king gets wind of it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bilbo's Dilemma.

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [Le dilemme de Bilbon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6051091) by [Eivia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eivia/pseuds/Eivia)



“And then the dragon would steal the young virgin princess and take her to his lair, in wait for a strong dwarven warrior to come save her.” Fili said around the tip of his pipe, sending Kili into a flood of giggles.

“Aye, and then the dwarf warrior gets to have his gems and polish them.” Kili said with a snort, making his brother chuckle slightly, Bilbo tilted his head slightly in confusion.

“What does that mean?” Bilbo asked with a furrowed brow, he didn’t understand what polishing gems had to do with virgin princesses.

Balin suddenly appeared at his side from out of nowhere and explained to the hobbit about the dragons that had a particular taste for virgins and that would swoop down and steal away any gem they could, Bilbo thought those were only stories, tales his mother would tell him to scare him into falling asleep at night, but no, they were real. And judging by the look on the nearby scribes face, he thought so too.

Ori got up instantly and pulled his brothers away and Bilbo panicked slightly himself and the only one to realise this was the grey wizard who walked quickly up to him and placed a wrinkled hand on his curly haired head.

“Bilbo, my dear fellow, would you come with me for a moment?” Gandalf asked before walking off slightly and Bilbo instantly followed, needing to tell someone about his dilemma, but little did he know was the dwarf king was hidden the woods where they were talking, practicing with his newly found sword.

\----

Thorin’s whole body ached after being clamped between the jaws of that Orc scum’s Warg, and surprisingly the hobbit had saved him even when Thorin had acted like a complete goblin to him through the entire journey, Thorin landed his sword into the old bark of a nearby tree before he heard two familiar voices talking quietly nearby.

“But they are only stories!” Thorin heard Bilbo’s voice protest and he instantly pulled his sword from the tree and back into its scabbard before crouching in a nearby bush and watched as the hobbit and the wizard stood before his sight.

“I am afraid they are not, Bilbo Baggins.” Gandalf replied and Thorin furrowed his brow, _mahal above what had his nephews done now?_ Thorin crawled slightly closer and heard the hobbit sigh.

“This can’t be real.” Bilbo said and Thorin watched as the hobbit placed his head in his hands and Thorin was really confused now, _what wasn’t real? What was the hobbit talking about?_

“Bilbo we need to deal with this dilemma, and soon.” Gandalf warned and Bilbo huffed again as he paced anxiously.

“How can I?” Bilbo whimpered and Gandalf placed a reassuring hand on the hobbits shoulder. “I can’t tell any of the dwarves I’m a virgin, they barley respect me as it is.”

Thorin’s eyes grew wide then, _the hobbit was a virgin?! How come Thorin didn’t know that? They were on a journey to face a beast that would steal virgins away while they slept until a noble prince came to rescue them and Bilbo thought it best not to tell anyone that he had never been taken!?_

“You will ever have to lose it to a member of the company, or the elves of Mirkwood if you wish.” Gandalf said and Thorin felt like gagging, there was no way on this good earth the hobbit was going to give himself and one of his most precious possessions to a pointy eared, flower scented tree shagger, Thorin would rather choke on his own braids than think about that.

“I- I will think about it.” Bilbo sighed now and Thorin smiled slightly, at least the hobbit wasn’t tempted by the elves and what little they had to offer. A thought came to Thorin’s mind then, what if _he_ helped the hobbit? Like the hobbit had helped him by fending off the Pale Orc back on that cliff, but the king of dwarves would not take this matter lightly, he would make the hobbit swoon with the usual dwarf courting rituals, Thorin nodded to himself before shuffling out of the bushes and set off to start his courtship plans.

\----

Later that night when Bilbo was sat beside Ori after the big reveal of the scribes virginity still blissfully intact Bilbo had offered himself to help the small dwarf, Ori had simply smiled and wiped his slightly damp eyes with the back of his hand and thanked him for his offer, after that he had continued to talk to the small scribe as usual until the ( _foolish_ ) leader of the company Thorin Oakenshield appeared before him.

“Come Master Burglar, if you are to continue to travel with us, you will need to train your arm.” Thorin stated before he dumped Bilbo’s nameless sword between his legs, narrowly missing the hobbits fuzzy feet.

“I think I’m just fine, thank you.” Bilbo snipped until Thorin sighed and lifted the hobbit up by his collar, causing him to squawk and try to scramble his way back to the stump he was sat on next to Ori, but the dwarf was much stronger than he was.

Thorin soon lead ( _pulled_ ) him out to a quiet area of the forest and tossed him his sword, Bilbo fumbled slightly before the sword fell to the floor, Thorin huffed, this was going to be a harder courting process than he thought.

Thorin picked the hobbit’s sword up and handed it to him now and the hobbit snatched it slightly, Thorin huffed before he pulled on his pair of greaves and a thick layer of chain mail before he pulled out a helmet that he borrowed from Dwalin from his pack and the hobbit watched him with a slightly worried expression as he clutched tightly to his sword.

“Usually the weakest point on the armour is the neck and below the arm.” Thorin said as he pointed to the weak spots of his chainmail and the hobbit furrowed his brow slightly.

“Why are you doing this?” Bilbo asked curiously and Thorin had to think of a quick lie.

“I- Well, it is obvious by your body type that you are not used to this kind of exercise or any other kind of exercise and since you will be travelling with us you will need to know how to defend yourself.” Thorin explained awkwardly and Bilbo seemed to frown at him.

“Did you just call me fat?” Bilbo asked with a slight growl as he lifted his sword and Thorin thought quickly back over his words before he paled slightly.

“No, No I didn’t mean it like that- I mean, you are very plump but I like that... and-I-” Thorin didn’t have time to finish as the hobbit swung his sword at him, sending the dwarf stumbling back slightly as he armed himself with his own sword, blocking Bilbo’s attack as he did.

The hobbit let out a slight battle cry and Thorin couldn’t help but chuckle, his death cry reminded Thorin of the kitten that Dis had when she was young, the hobbit was so cute.

The small hobbit suddenly fell to the floor and landed in the mud as Thorin dodged the blow of his sword, Thorin lifted the hobbit to his feet by the scruff of his shirt and the hobbit waved his arms and legs dramatically trying to escape him, and as he said before it definitely reminded him of Dis’s kitten all those years ago.

Thorin placed the hobbit on his large feet and the hobbit fumbled to grab his sword but Thorin stopped him as he snatched the sword from his hand.

“Now, your form is disastrous, an enemy would slice you down instantly.” Thorin said and the hobbit pouted angrily at him, Thorin didn’t understand _why wasn’t the hobbit swooning?_ Thorin was helping him with his sword fighting he should be grateful to him that was the typical dwarf courting standards, share fighting lessons with your intended to allow them to keep themselves safe. Thorin didn’t understand.

The hobbit took his sword back and tucked it in his scabbard that was laced around his soft hip.

“I’ve had quite enough for one day.” Bilbo said before he stomped away and Thorin scratched his head in thought for a moment, disturbing the layers of raven waves, _what did he do wrong?_

\----

Bilbo kept far away from Thorin the next day, deciding to walk besides Bofur and Ori as Gandalf lead them to the home of a skin changer named Beorn, who as Gandalf had told them was a large beast of a man who held a grudge against dwarves, which you know was a great creature for a company of _dwarves_ to be around. Thorin held his tongue as Gandalf had promised them that he would be able to reason with Beorn and possibly get the skin changer to help them.

Thorin still didn’t understand why the hobbit was avoiding him, he had offered him a chance to learn new fighting skills but he had thrown it back in his face, _did the hobbit not want to be courted?_ But Thorin continued his attempts at courting, later that night when they settled at camp he took a bath in a nearby river by himself and waited for the hobbit to walk past.

“Master Baggins!” Thorin called as he noticed the hobbit kneeling at the side of the river and plunging a bucket into the crystal waves, Bilbo looked over at him and almost dropped the bucket in the river.

“Master Oakenshield, I didn’t see you there.” Bilbo called back as he placed his hand over his eyes and blushed brightly. “I am so sorry; I will leave you to your bath.”

“No, no it’s fine Master Burglar, I was just wondering if you would do me a favour?” Thorin called quickly as the hobbit got up to leave, lifting the bucket of water with great effort.

“Anything.” Bilbo replied as he placed the bucket down with a huff.

“Will you braid my hair?” Thorin asked with a slight smile as Bilbo’s mouth opened and closed like a silvery fish.

“I- I don’t think it’s my place, I mean I’ve never braided hair before...” Bilbo said awkwardly as he wrung his hands together and Thorin’s smile grew slightly wider.

“I am sure you are perfectly capable.” Thorin said and Bilbo smiled slightly before he nodded and Thorin nodded once to him in a dignified manner before turning his head and looking out to the glowing expanses of the lake, the moonlight making the river shine as it babbled along past rocks and fallen tree trunks, Bilbo sat on the shore behind Thorin and placed his legs in the water before Thorin sat between them and closed his eyes slowly as the hobbits soft fingers began to separate the strands of his dark, wet hair.

Bilbo snapped one of Thorin’s beads around the braid and flicked it slightly, allowing it to settle on Thorin’s collarbones and bare chest.

“Is it okay?” Bilbo asked hesitantly and Thorin looked down at the braid, he had to admit that it was even worse than Kili’s braids that he did when he was a baby of twelve but Thorin wouldn’t tell the hobbit that.

“It’s good.” Thorin said and smiled when he saw the hobbit beam with pride. “Would you like me to braid yours?”

“Is it long enough?” Bilbo asked and Thorin examined the golden curls for what felt like the hundredth time, he really liked looking at the hobbits hair, it had grown rather long during the journey and Thorin just wanted to run his fingers through it and braid with his pattern.

“Yes, I believe it is.” Thorin replied before he gestured for the hobbit to come closer and he moved forward slightly, allowing Thorin to twine the soft curls together before clasping the small braid with one of his beads and tucking it behind the hobbits pointed ear, and Thorin certainly noticed the hobbit flushing a bright shade of pink.

“Do you like it?” Thorin asked and the hobbit quickly ran his fingers over the small braid before nodding slightly.

“I do yes, it’s lovely.” Bilbo said awkwardly before stroking his own braid one more time and getting to his feet, he then grabbed his water filled bucket and quickly scurried away and Thorin was left feeling confused.

Why wasn’t the hobbit accepting his courting? He had shown his interest! He had taught the hobbit some battle stances, he had given him his fur cloak the other night and had braided his hair and Bilbo had in return but Thorin hadn’t even received a kiss in acceptance of the courting yet! Maybe he wasn’t being obvious enough?

Thorin allowed himself to sink slowly back into the chilling water, being careful of the loose braid that Bilbo had given him as he dove into the water to wash the dirt from his face.

\----

The hobbit scurried back to camp to find Gandalf, he didn’t understand why Thorin was being so nice and he needed to know, and soon, he finally found the grey wizard sitting on a rock away from the company with his pipe between his lips and his hat sat at his side.

“Ah Bilbo, what brings you here?” Gandalf asked with a smiled and Bilbo struggled to catch his breath.

“It- It’s Thorin.” Bilbo panted slightly before taking a deep breath in and then breathing out slowly.

“Oh really?” Gandalf as he raised a single grey eyebrow and Bilbo nodded before he took a seat next to him.

“Yes, he’s been acting so odd.” Bilbo stated and Gandalf made a slight grunt before gesturing for the hobbit to continue.

“Odd, how?” Gandalf asked with a furrowed brow.

“Well, he has tried to teach me some sword play and then he let me braid his hair!” Bilbo cried as he fiddled with his own braid that was tucked behind his ear.

“Oh, I see.” Gandalf said around his pipe and Bilbo looked up to see the grey wizard smiling brightly.

“What? What do you see?” Bilbo asked quickly and Gandalf shook his head.

“Perhaps he is just being friendly.” Gandalf said and this calmed Bilbo’s nerves slightly.

“I suppose.” Bilbo sighed before getting up from his seat next to the wandering wizard. “Thank you Gandalf and goodnight.”

“Goodnight dear Bilbo.” Gandalf replied as he watched the hobbit walk slowly back to camp with his shoulders sagged in relief, Gandalf smiled to himself and chuckled before he rubbed his hands together as if a plan was finally coming together.

\----

“I don- don’t understand!” Thorin stated into his pint of ales, the dwarves had finally made it to Beorn’s and the skin changer had each given them their own chambers and more than enough food supplies to last them for a month and Thorin was now sitting in a secluded area with Dwalin as the two dwarves drank heavily and ignored the arguing Bofur and Nori in a separate room. He just didn’t understand! He had taught the hobbit to fight, he had given him his fur cloak, he had braided his hair and Bilbo had in return, he had offered him riches and jewels and everything any hobbit could wish for and it still wasn’t enough!

“I’ve tried everything but the hobbit still remains oblivious!” Thorin cried as he took another chug of his ale, the alcohol settling him slightly.

“Maybe he just thinks of ye’ as a friend.” Dwalin grunted in reply and Thorin groaned slightly and rested his head on the bar.

“Why would he think that? I- I’ve shown him my interest and he has mostly alwa- always returned the gesture.” Thorin whined like an overgrown dwarfling and Dwalin huffed.

“Maybe he’s leading ye’ on.” Dwalin replied with a shrug, it wasn’t uncommon for that to happen and the hobbit had always looked like a shifty one to him.

“Noooo, he wouldn’t do that.” Thorin stated with a stuttering tone and Dwalin rolled his eyes slightly, it’s not like he had anything else to do other than hear the drunken prince complain.

“I love him so much!” Thorin wailed before he slipped off his seat and fell into a heap on the floor, Dwalin grumbled something under his breath that sounded a lot like a complaint as he lifted the dwarf king to his feet and began leading him towards his room, usually the king could handle his drink well but even the toughest of dwarves could not handle the temptation of liquor when their hearts were broken.

 “I think ye’ need to rest.” Dwalin said as he kicked open the door to Thorin’s room and dumped him on the bed before he pulled off his boots as the king wriggled, Dwalin threw the covers over him and left to get some sleep of his own, but as soon as the warrior dwarf was out of the room Thorin sat up and quickly got out of his bed and stepped over his boots before walking on rubber legs out of the room and off to find the hobbit.

\----

Bilbo gently pulled his kettle from the bar over the fluttering fire as it whistled slightly and lifted it towards his nearby table as he grabbed two small teacups and hummed as he poured the boiling water into the cups and on top of the dried leaves that turned the clear water into a delicious dark shade. Bilbo dipped his silver spoon into ones of the cups and began to stir it gently before there was a knock at the door.

Bilbo looked up at the wooden clock on the wall before asking himself who would be up at this hour, but that question was answered as he pulled open the door and the king of dwarves stood shakily in the way.

“Thorin, what are you doing up this late?” Bilbo asked as he pulled his small dressing gown that he borrowed from Beorn tightly around himself as he inspected the dwarf with a furrowed brow. “And where are your shoes?”

Thorin simply pushed past him and stepped into the room.

“I must speak with you this instance, burglar.” Thorin grumbled as he wobbled on the spot in Bilbo’s room and the hobbit huffed slightly at his rudeness before closing the door.

“Well, you certainly have my attention.” Bilbo said as he folded his arms over his chest, Thorin lifted his chin with pride, he had planned what he would say to the hobbit as he walked down the hall about how he loved the hobbit and was set on courting him and they could be together but as soon as he opened his mouth the wrong words fell out.

“Why don’t you love me!?” Thorin wailed ( _close enough_ , he thought drunkenly) and Bilbo jumped back slightly like he had just been scolded with water.

“Love you? Thorin what are you talking about.” Bilbo asked with a shocked expression and Thorin ran his hand through his long raven hair.

“I have tried everythin’! And you- you still remain clueless, stupid hobbit don’t know the diff- difference between a sword and a letter opener.” Thorin stated as he swayed slightly and the hobbit looked at him with wide eyes and a slacked jaw.

“How dare you!” Bilbo shouted now and it shocked Thorin slightly. “You think me so useless and foolish, well you royal idiot, the feeling is mutual! Now get out you miserable drunken excuse of a dwarf!”

Bilbo started trying to push the dwarf out of his room, but even when Thorin was drunk he stood with the strength of a brick wall.

“No! Not until you tell me why you don’t love me!” Thorin shouted, waving his arms like a maniac.

“You’re a fool!” Bilbo shouted simply in reply and Thorin’s face dropped.

“Then let me be your fool.” Thorin said softly as he grasped the hands that were pushing his chest in an attempt to move him. Bilbo looked at the large dwarf whose eyes were unfocused but expressed so much pain all at once.

“Just leave Thorin.” Bilbo said as gently as possible as he pulled his hands away from Thorin's.

“No, why do you want me to leave?” Thorin asked, this time his voice turning louder. “Is there another!?”

“No, no of course not, you silly dwarf-” Bilbo started but Thorin pushed past him and began searching around the room for another dwarf. Or perhaps a wizard!?

Checking under the bed, he ignored Bilbo calling after him before he noticed the table next to the fire that held not one, but two cups.

“Ah ha!” Thorin shouted, pointing a drunken finger at the cup accusingly. “Who was here before me!?”

“Beorn just stopped by for a cup of honey tea.” Bilbo explained as gently as he could but the king raised his head and glared at Bilbo before throwing the cup against the opposite wall, away from Bilbo. But it still shocked the hobbit enough to send him falling back.

“That- that miserable skin changer! Does he know of your delicate situation too!?” Thorin shouted now raging, even though he had no right too. “I will have his head for this, just you see if i-”

“What do you mean my delicate situation?” Bilbo asked calmly.

“You’re a virgin!” Thorin shouted obviosuly, possibly louder than he should have. “And I decided I should be the one to help you be rid of it because- because I am the king and you are my hobbit and- and I-"

A quick hand suddenly connected with Thorin’s face, sending the drunken dwarf reeling backwards and knocking into a chest of drawers, causing him to fall to the floor with an aching cheek.

“How dare you think that I would give you something like that just because you are a king!” Bilbo shouted now. “You stubborn, foolish, idiotic-”

“Do you love me?” Thorin asked softly in interruption, looking close to tears. Bilbo gasped slightly at the question, of course he loved Thorin, like he said he was stubborn, foolish and idiotic but he was also trusting, smart, kind and quite possibly one of the sweetest creatures Bilbo had ever met.

“Of course I do.” Bilbo sighed and Thorin lifted his head, his eyes still wide and full of drunken tears. “You are the sweetest dwarf I’ve ever met, but you're an idiot and a-”

“Then why did you not accept my courting?” Thorin asked, ignoring the rest of the hobbits sentance with a slight pout and Bilbo sighed as he helped Thorin to his feet.

“Thorin, what you believe to be courting is not what we hobbits do.” Bilbo explained. “If you truly want to court me, keep it simple.”

“Keep it simple?” Thorin repeated and Bilbo nodded.

“Yes, bring me breakfast in bed or flowers or I don’t know, give me a hug-” Bilbo didn’t have time to finish that sentence as the dwarf king ran forward and wrapped his arms around the small hobbit. If Bilbo wanted a hug Thorin would give him as many hugs as he needed!

Bilbo stroked the raven hair that cascaded down the side of the dwarf kings head as they hugged, until the king suddenly became too heavy and seemed to be snoring, Bilbo pulled out of the hug to get a glimpse of the dwarfs face, which was now soft with sleep. Bilbo giggled slightly before carefully pulling the dwarf king along and dumping him on the soft bed and retrieving a bucket from the bathroom, should the larger dwarf need it later on that night, Bilbo then tucked the covers around Thorin’s sleeping form and pressed a kiss to his cheek before he grabbed his cup of tea and sat in the chair in front of the fire. Maybe courting would be okay.

\----

The following days were a whirlwind of dodging spiders, escaping elves via barrels and being smuggled into the town on the lake in battle worn barrels of fish, as they got closer to the mountain Bilbo worried even more about his still prominent virginity, until one night the king of dwarves snuck into his bed and Bilbo ended up on his back with the dwarf between his legs, thrusting in and out of the hobbit as the rays of the moon crept through the window and bounced off his broad back, that night Bilbo felt himself being claimed by a dwarf that he had fallen in love with over the course of the journey, and it was the best night of his life, and in the morning Thorin even brought him breakfast while he laid in bed.

Later that night when the princes entertained the dwarves, wizard and hobbit with their usually farfetched stories Bilbo sat between his kings leg and allowed him to mouth up his neck and nibble at his ear as he softly proclaimed his love for the hobbit, Bilbo closed his eyes and sighed deeply, Thorin was by far one of the most foolish dwarves Bilbo had ever met, but no one could deny that he had a heart as thick as his skull, and as Bilbo peeked out the window and saw the lonely mountain in the distance he didn’t feel worried because Thorin loved Bilbo and Bilbo loved Thorin and that’s all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> (( I think that's all folks... unless you want me to write a sequel, I don't mind.))
> 
> ((Tell me what you think?!))


End file.
